American Idle


I heard about this great contest the other day.  I know what you‟re gonna say, I never win anythin‟.  But this time it‟ll be different.  This thing was designed with me in mind.  It‟s called

American Idle.

Well I am American, and I am idle a lot of the time.  At first I was a little worried „cause I thought it was for them people with long drives to work, and I knew I couldn‟t be the best at that.

Then my friend Sam told me not to be so stupid, that they were looking for people who idle their time away not their cars.

Well hell, that‟s me personified.  So Sam and I grabbed a sixpack, sat on the back porch and tried to think up the questions you‟d have to pass to win the prize.  And what a grand prize it would be.

I figured it was a two week vacation to one of them fancy resorts where all you did was sit around and do nothing all day until it was time to sleep.  Yeah, paradise.

Anyways, Sam and I came up with three questions we thought they might ask.

Number 1: How many hours can you waste on a good day doing nothin‟? Shoot, I knew I had it just by that question alone.  On my best day, I can easily spend 24 hours layin‟ around like a coma patient.

Number 2: How would you place yourself on the following scale, where:

1: is feel guilty if I don‟t get at least ten minutes of accomplishin‟ somethin‟ once a day.

2: Think about getting‟ ten minutes of somethin‟ accomplished each day;

3: Would like to thing about getting‟

4: Think about thinkin‟ about getting‟

5: Pride myself on not thinkin‟.  I‟ll let you guess my answer.

and Number 3: Write a sentence on your philosophy towards idleness.

We figured they always have to sneak in a question that makes you write somethin‟.  If nothin‟ else so they can judge how long you‟ve really been idle.  Well, this was a hard one – especially after having three beers each.  I sent Sam back to the house to get us some more cool ones, so that we could reflect on the answer.

It took some doin‟ and two more beer before it hit me.  My philosophy is “Proud to be the American Idle.”  Shit, what more could they want?

Now I would a gone to their web site and got that there form, but I‟d already wasted enough idle

time for one day.

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